Ending the Anxiety Cycle: Supporting Your Child with Anxiety While Managing Your Own
It is a Thursday at 7:45 AM. I just dropped the kids off at school. I have an hour before I must go into the office for a meeting. Even though I have been back to work part-time for about 6 months, I still feel I am getting a hang of this work and family balance thing. My boss has been great about me putting my family first, and I get to get off early on certain days to make their games and practices, etc. I do feel that my house and other parts of my life are reeling, though. I can’t seem to get it all done! The clutter in every room is driving me crazy, and I feel that the school sends a thousand emails a week. I finally get out of the carpool line, and I wonder, “Why does it take so long to get through this process each day?” Okay, now I have just a few minutes to try to get a quick workout in. As I pull out, I feel a rush of panic as I hear, “Ding!” A text from my older daughter’s school reads, “Due to a power outage, all students are being moved to the gym until further notice. All students are safe.” I feel every day that I am waiting for something bad to happen. I don’t have time right now to worry about myself, I just must get to the office.
Is this story similar to yours? Parents are carrying a lot of stress, and it is causing an increase in anxiety. According to data from the US Department of Health and Human Services, 48% of parents report their stress is completely overwhelming. Each week, in my private practice I hear parents discuss that they are feeling buried under growing worries about their children, their jobs, their relationships, and their mental health. There is no doubt we as a world are experiencing a collective dark night of the soul. One of the hardest questions, yet very often ones I hear is, “What can I do?” The following answer is usually met with some type of deep breath and even a sigh, “We must journey together to look inward and name the hard feelings first.”
Innately, parents want to fix whatever is causing their child pain or angst. It feels like a deep pit in our stomachs to know that a child is experiencing any kind of physical or emotional discomfort. When I tell a parent that the hard work actually needs to start with building up their emotional muscles, it can be hard to swallow that kind of direction. It is sometimes easier to want to fix another rather than look inward. A place I like to start is to name the variety of feelings that have been coming up lately. Once we spend some time identifying the discomfort, then we can slowly figure out ways to befriend the uncomfortable. Lastly, we can make small shifts to embrace the small wins and begin to move toward meaning and connection. Let’s break down the three steps a bit more.
Notice and Name the Feelings and Thoughts
There are several ways to connect within and notice and then name the feelings and thoughts. Whether a type of journaling, drawing, molding clay, creating a scene in a sand tray, or talking it out with a trusted friend or professional, all are ways to record our thoughts and feelings. Before that step, it is necessary to simply notice what our body is telling us. It is often said that our bodies are windows to our souls. Next time a triggering thought or an alarming feeling arises, take a few minutes and scan where in your body you are feeling some tightening, tingling, or pain. By doing this body scan, you are bringing your mind to the here and now. Bringing our brains into a present state will slow down the heart rate, release tension, and regulate our hormones to help reduce inflammation that is causing physical pain. Once the body has been brought into a more balanced state, then identifying the thoughts and feelings by using a variety of activities will be more accessible.
Befriend the Uncomfortable
Over the holidays, I have been enjoying rewatching a Netflix show, Sweet Magnolias. A couple of quotes come to mind when I think of the journey of befriending the uncomfortable. It may feel like “swimming upstream with your hands full” as we start the reflective journey. I received encouragement when I watched the character Maddie searching for answers after a broken relationship. She asked her friend, “Do the storms ever stop?”. Her dear friend, Helen, answered, “No, but neither do the rainbows.” The world we live in is full of pain and unknowns. Just like the woman who heard the ding on her phone, and felt a rush of panic as she received an alert from her child’s school, we all are trying to focus on the rainbows. Some moments can be overwhelming as we see and hear about destruction on all the news and social media outlets. The uncomfortable causes fear to rise up in our brains. When we feel fear, the brain’s natural responses kick in, causing us to flee, freeze, fight, and fawn. For more information on these responses, refer to my book, Blessing From Fear. Once we name the big feelings, then we can begin the step to befriend them. There are three steps to befriending:
Name the truths and lies. For example, let’s say your child yells at you out of their own anger for not wanting to get off their game. The truth is the child is mad at having to stop his game. The lie is that they hate you. Or, when a parent has to encourage a child to go to an activity that they are feeling apprehensive about. The truth is the child is scared. The lie is that you are a bad parent for encouraging them to go to practice.
Thank the part. Thank the part of you that is rushing in to protect you from feeling the big feeling. For example, when your child yells at you that they are angry with you, your freeze response may rush in to protect you from feeling overwhelmed. You may desire to just check out and scroll on social media. To yourself, thank the part of you that is coming into shield your core heart, but you can tell that part that you are going to choose to not check out. You are going to stay present and connect within and then with your child.
Fill your bucket. Whether it is using a mindfulness activity and positive self-talk, connect within by reassuring yourself that you are safe. Keep reminding yourself of the truths and tell the lies to stop overwhelming. Take some time even for a few minutes to pause and take some deep breaths.
Make Small Shifts
Often, we overlook the small wins. Slow down for a few minutes as you are reading here and now, and simply recall a tiny positive that has occurred in the last 24 hours. Maybe a smile from a check-out clerk, a faster-moving carpool drop-off line, less traffic, a “thumbs-up” email from a co-worker or boss, a soothing or fun song that you heard on the radio, your child not complaining as much when asked to put on their shoes, etc. Sometimes our busyness gets in the way of noticing small wins. One key piece to starting to get familiar with the uncomfortable is to put healthy emotional boundaries into place. Start by shifting your schedule to sprinkle in some self-care during your day: a 10-minute walk around your office building or home, sing a song, notice a soothing piece of nature, take 5 deep breaths, stretch, and do some light yoga for 5 minutes, or read a book for a few minutes. Making small adjustments will allow us to emotionally connect within ourselves so we can authentically connect with others.
“I have to remind myself that balance is not about performance, control or power—otherwise the trap of pride will come online. Perfection is not the answer. Balance is.” (Blessing From Fear, p. 248) Parents often find themselves in a trap of self-blame. When the shame spiral begins, we will quickly allow the inner critic lies to take over. Anxiety will rise and then we will not be able to connect within and then connect with our children. An anxious parent becomes paralyzed to move toward the big feelings causing an elevated state of emotion within the child. The snowball of hypervigilance dance between the parent and child then gets bigger and bigger. Being mindful of noticing, befriending, and shifting is a pathway to your True Self and ultimately connecting with another.
