Filling a Parent Toolbox for an Emotionally Successful School Year
It is all the buzz, a new school year is upon us. With the start of school, comes many different feelings and emotions not only for children but for parents as well. Vacations have ended, camps have concluded, school supplies have been bought, now it is time to get back to the routine of the hussle and bussle. For some, there is a relief that a schedule will be in place and for others, the new routine can be a bit overwhelming. For many, there is a mix of excitement and uncertainty that our brains are feeling all at the same time. The amazing fact is that our brains can hold multiple feelings simultaneously. The balance of the ups and downs can cause some cognitive dissonance to arise. It is time to fill our toolboxes so we as parents can guide our children to have an emotionally successful school year.
Before going over five tools to put into the toolbox, I want to give a few overarching encouragements. Parenting is not about perfection, but about connection. We are humans with our own stories and own feelings. Ruptures occur, but so do repairs. Overall, I try to help parents (and myself) remember that being present with children is more important than being perfectly calm. In other words, being attuned with your children even if you feel that you don’t do that in the most picture perfect way, your child will cue safety. Then, your child will be able to coregulate from your balanced and connected state, which will allow for them to do the same. Another important fact to remember is that children are children. We must balance our expectations and not project our unrealistic goals onto them. I was reminded of this recently when my 17 year old stated, “I am just being a teenager, mom.” I appreciated this reminder and was able to adjust my expectations and my own disrupted state.
Five tools to fill the parent toolbox:
Use affirming language with yourself and your child. I explain in Blessing From Fear, “A parent can fill up their child’s bucket only if their own bucket has a water in it. What if you tried to build a sandcastle without any wet sand? The castle would collapse instantly. The same is true when a parent is trying to truly see and hear their child, yet their own bucket is empty.” (p. 73) Most of us are familiar with a flight attendant instructing adults to put on the air mask first before putting it on their child. A parent must first acknowledge their own feelings before affirming their children. Next time your child has a meltdown, before bringing in redirection, first ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Make adjustments to connect within yourself by using grounding tools such as taking deep breaths, counting to 10 slowly, or using your 5 senses to come into the present moment, then try these phrases with your child.
Parent: “I see and hear that you are really feeling _[fill in the feeling]_. Hmmm…” Then, pause and try to maintain eye contact and be on their level.
Child: “I just want to keep playing my game! I don’t care about taking a bath right now!”
Parent: “This seems like it is so hard. I wonder if there is a way we can solve this together?”
By using affirming language, you are simply communicating to the child that all feelings are okay, but it is what we do with them that is the most important. You are not saying it is okay to be disrespectful. To be honest, in that moment, your child really does not like you very much because you are disrupting their game. We all feel frustrated when we have to stop doing something that brings us enjoyment. If your child kicks, screams rude comments, hits, etc, then of course appropriate and healthy discipline can be a part of the redirection. But, next time before bringing in a punishment, try to use affirming language. The hope is that by using these empowering phrases, your child’s seen and heard bucket will be filled up and then they will use their second bucket of positive power to choose a healthy reaction to their big feelings. Overtime, the child will learn how to regulate their emotions.
Name the feeling. By naming the feeling with no shame or judgement, you are befriending it and not allowing the fear that arises from big feelings to rule over you. Children often feel they have no choices or power to make many decisions. When I inform a child that they get to tell their brain what to do with the feelings, their faces light up. They begin to feel empowered to be in charge of their reactions. Naming feelings is simple in essence. You just state, “I feel [insert any feeling].” The hardest part about this tool is not allowing the next thought to involve the word, “should”. We all “should on ourselves” more than necessary. Parents, it is imperative that we name our own feelings first before we expect our children to be able to do the same. It is even okay to be frustrated with your child. Stating that feeling to yourself silently will allow you to feel connected within yourself. Remember being connected within is the first step that we often forget in parenting. Being attuned with your child is all about connection, not about perfection.
Model healthy emotional regulation. This tool is all about using the gift of the power of choice. We were all given beautiful brains that we can choose to control. Many times, children and parents forget that they can tell their brains what to do with all the big feelings. Using a variety of grounding tools to balance out the reactive nervous system will bring the brain into a connected state. Emotional regulation is the power within us to be able to choose a healthy reaction to big feelings. Another piece about emotional regulation is that children co-regulate off of their parents. Due to the mirror neuron system, one brain connects to another brain. “Mirror neurons were first discovered in 1995 by Giacomo Rizzolatti and his team. Their study examined the mirror-neuron system and discovered that ‘unlike most species, we are able to learn by imitation, and this faculty is at the basis of human culture.’ This means that God hardwired our brains to watch each other and learn from one another.” (Blessing From Fear, p. 207) When a parent is in a balanced state, their brain will cue safety to the child’s brain, then allowing the child to choose a healthy reaction to achieve balance as well.
Learn about how your child’s brain works. The age old phrase, “knowledge is power” is true especially when it comes to how our brains work. I encourage parents by empowering them that they are their child’s best advocate. In order to support your child, we must understand the basics about the regions of the brain. Dr. Dan Siegel often refers to the brain as having an upstairs and a downstairs. The upstairs refers to the prefrontal cortex region that lies behind your forehead. Some of the main functions of this area are executive functioning, planning, emotional regulation, and impulse control. The downstairs refers to the midbrain or emotional center of the brain. This region houses one of the most powerful parts of our brains, the amygdala. It is an almond-shaped piece of the brain that I refer to as “the almond” with my clients. Our brains receive messages all day and night through the 5 senses. These messages go into the thalamus which is right above the midbrain area in the limbic region. Once the messages arrive in the thalamus, then they either go downstairs to the amygdala or upstairs to the prefrontal cortex. If they get stuck down in the amygdala, then your mammal responses of freeze, fight, flee, and fawn are then initiated. If the messages get routed upstairs to the prefrontal cortex, then that is when the power of choice kicks in to choose a healthy response to the big feeling. Another way to explain this is to use a car as an analogy. Imagine that your prefrontal cortex is driving a car. It is able to go pretty much straight. There may be a few speed bumps or turns here or there, but mostly in control. Then, all of a sudden, a message comes into your thalamus and your amygdala decides to take over the driver’s seat, and the car then begins to swerve all over the road doing donuts in the middle of the highway! Technically, that is called an amygdala hijack. So, when your child is having a tantrum when the amygdala has woken up and is taking over the steering wheel, I refer to that as an “almond tantrum”. The child’s amygdala is in charge. Parents, then must first ground themselves to model healthy ways for the child to wake up their prefrontal cortex region so emotional regulation can occur. Refer to this article that I wrote for a few more details about basic brain function.
Monitor your child’s body’s basic needs. In my therapy practice, I counsel my clients from a whole body and a whole brain perspective. It is essential for us as parents to be aware of how much our body influences our ability to emotionally regulate, to learn, and to sleep. I refer to the “fundamental five” that all children (and adults) need to instill.
Drink water: Overall, most Americans are dehydrated. Water is the most basic need for our body to consume for optimal function. This article outlines some basics about the importance of drinking water. For our systems to receive enough water, children ages 1-3 years old need about 4 cups of fluids per day, including water. Older kids need to consume around 5 cups for 4- to 8-year-olds, and 7-8 cups for older children. Adults (and older teens) need to have at least 10 to 15 cups a day. So, maybe those big Stanley’s are a good idea! Not enough water can influence the brain’s neurotransmitters to function properly, which will cause a child’s learning to suffer, their ability to focus will wane, and their control over their feelings will lessen.
Limit sugar: This is certainly not easy to do with children and for us as adults. I often hear in my office that parents have the hardest time steering their children away from sugar. Our brains crave sugar when we are feeling overwhelmed and under stress. Too much sugar can disrupt our brains from functioning. The nervous system will become out of balance when we eat too much sugar causing a sugar high and then the crash occurs. When the body is coming off of the sugar rush, a child will become caught in a loop and then an almond tantrum will not be too far off from starting.
Provide healthy snacks: We all know our children love to raid our cabinets and eat snacks often. I encourage parents to have a healthy snack ready in the car after school. If you feed your child a snack that will wake up the prefrontal cortex region before they get home, then the whining will not start up as quickly. Having washed fruits and cut up veggies is the best, but that is not always possible. So, limiting the amount of processed snacks will help.
Encourage movement: It is known that exercise increases the level of dopamine, the feel-good hormone. Movement does not always mean cardio exercise. In recent years, neuroscientists have discovered there is a direct link from the hypothalamus to the prefrontal cortex region. I explain it like there is an invisible string in our brains connecting these two regions. If we increase our body’s ability to balance, then the strength of the prefrontal cortex will increase. Hence, allowing our ability to control our big feelings to become stronger. Movement and balance can include stretching, yoga, standing on one foot, using a balance board, jumping up and down, doing jumping jacks, dancing, and walking on a balance beam (or even a curb in a parking lot). Often in my play therapy sessions, we use a balance board to encourage movement. Many times, my therapeutic plans include for a child to spend 5 minutes each morning balancing on each leg or using a balance board before going to school. There is nothing better for more dopamine to be released in a child’s body before they get on the bus or into the car to go to school. Refer to this article I wrote for more information about balance and the brain.
Prioritize sleep: We all know that sleep is essential to our overall health. I hear often how sleep is one of the first areas that seems to suffer when the school year starts off. I know for myself when I do not get enough sleep, all of my negative self-talk ramps up. Our tolerance and patience levels wane, and then I do not have the capacity within me to use a healthy grounding tool to regulate my emotions. As I have pointed out, then the spiral starts of unhealthy choices. Fear takes over when sleep is not a priority. Preschoolers should be getting 10 to 13 hours, depending on if a nap is still in the schedule. Elementary age children should sleep for 9 to 12 hours. Adolescents need 8 to 10 hours. Adults ideally should get 7 hours of sleep. When our brains get enough sleep, the neurons synapses are firing at the optimal speeds; therefore, all of our emotional brains are functioning well, too.
These tools are all available to us as parents. It can feel overwhelming to look at all five, so I encourage you to pick one to start with and concentrate on it first. Remember there is not a perfect parent. I certainly have made mistakes and will continue to make many more. When a rupture occurs, I often remind myself that I was given a gift of repair and I can model that to my children. From the conclusion of Blessing From Fear, “This woman is not a perfect, all-put-together individual, but one who is determined to stay present and full of gratitude to receive true joy. This woman embraces a ‘fruitful emptiness’ toward a life of freedom. It does not mean a life without pain or suffering or hurt. It does mean a life where she embraces her wobbly wings and flies onto a new path.” (p. 257). Pick one of the five tools to start. Be open to embrace a path full of hope and look forward to being attuned within yourself and then with your children.
